Last month was difficult and stressful. Mom had to be rushed to the emergency room twice and the second time they finally admitted her into the hospital. We had all gotten two colds at the beginning of the month but Mom had taken longer to recover because she had heart complications. The first cold was normal with a slight fever. But the second cold was a particularly nasty one that included vomiting, diarrhea and lots of coughing. Even I, myself struggled with it. I was coughing so much that I was vomiting and could not hold down any food. My asthma was at it’s peak and I found I was leaning on my puffer a bit too much. In the end I went and saw my doctor. It was more to renew a prescription I had from before. However, after much “grilling” from my doctor she had decided to prescribe a different medication for me and instructed me to go back to see her in two weeks if things did not improve. She did not like how I was becoming reliant on the puffer I currently had since it is not being used for what it was originally intended for (prevention). I never got the new puffer because when I went to check the price I found it was at least $178!!! FOR ONE! As a person that is still unemployed, and has no medical benefits I just did not have enough money to even pay for it. I’ve found that once my stress level goes up, the severity of my asthma increases. I still had a bit of my other puffer left so I am using that. Tomorrow I will be seeing my doctor and we’ll see what happens. In the meantime, I’ve been trying to find other alternative ways of coping with my asthma. One thing I’ve found to help cope with my stress is a ginseng & royal jelly tonic I’ve been taking daily. 
So far, it’s been helping. I’ve learned in school that ginseng is an adaptogen and helps the body to “adapt” to changes in the body. In particular, if your stress level is increased due to physical illness or mental stress.
One of the other things that happened in my life is that I broke up with AS. I had been thinking about it for a while now and we had actually talked about my uncertainty with the relationship. There were many signs and red flags for me. At the same time, there were also many positive aspects of the relationship that I had not experienced before. He really was the first person to ever accept me for who I am, faults and all. As with most relationships that end, the feelings were not mutual. I couldn’t have done it at a worse time… a few days before Halloween and just over a week ago before one of his good friend’s wedding. I felt horrible but I had to be true to myself.
A-ha – Crying In The Rain lyrics | LyricsMode.com
As well, I had so much stress in my life in the past few weeks that I could not handle the added stress of a difficult relationship. Even though I told him that things were not well with my family he did not exactly respect my request for space. It didn’t help that he never met my parents either and be there physically for me. While I do appreciate all that he’s done for me, financially and emotionally my decision was based on something I was dwelling about for quite some time. I just did not feel we were compatible. He’s a great guy but I don’t think we really saw eye to eye with many things. I tried to be as honest with him as much as I could and told him we could still be friends. A good friend of mine told me that you will go through the motions of mourning the loss of him but in the end you will know that it was for the best for both of you. My head knows that but my heart doesn’t feel it. I miss him terribly. I don’t know if it was the emotional support he gave me that is making me feel this way. I’ve never felt like I could ever talk to anyone and just be myself around except him. I wonder and question myself if it was the right thing to do or if I’ve just made the biggest mistake in my life. I wonder if I will ever find someone again that will accept me for who I am. I’ve always felt that maybe I am better off alone and that it’s best that I be single since I have so much instability in my life. Perhaps I am destined to be alone forever. I used to think that I’ve always preferred that. But now I am not so sure…I find myself missing him more and more each day.
