Repercussions Of Doing The Lake Meditation

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art therapy, asthma, drowning, group therapy, lake meditation, meditation, poetry, suicide, therapy

I recently finished my meditation class and boy was it insightful. I was a bit wary of this session because last class we were “warned” that we would be doing the Lake Meditation. I spoke to the Facilitator and told her my history of a near drowning experience and asked her what I should expect of it. What I wanted to impress on her was that I was a bit nervous but I thought I “might” be able to handle it because I am not afraid of the water. Only when the water goes above my head do I get nervous. So she told me to try it and if I find it too difficult I can leave the room. Well the day came and of course my asthma has been going all haywire lately because of the emerging mold beneath all that melting snow. Not surprisingly, I was doing a lot of coughing during class. I felt bad but I couldn’t help it. At least people were understanding.

The actual Lake Meditation we used is from my Facilitator’s book and she borrows extensively from Jon Kabit-Zinn’s words (with permission) as well. It was about 18 minutes so I was very nervous about it. I think I did quite well but I was not able to completely “BE” the lake which was what was required of us. Instead, my mind chose to be an object in the lake. Such as a reed or a boat floating in this body of water. During our discussions I described my experience to the group because I wasn’t sure if I did the exercise correctly (they all confirmed that I did it “correct” considering my situation). I was able to see some kind of connections. When it was required that I submerge myself into the water and/or if the environment such as the sky or lake became dark or murky I became extremely agitated. I felt I could not breathe. My asthma symptoms increased and I felt like I was drowning. This really puzzled me because I always felt that drowning is one of the most peaceful ways to die based solely on my drowning experience. During the meditation, when I felt my symptoms emerging, my mind quickly went into protection mode and focused on “the light and daytime sky” to bring me back at peace.

Afterward, I went to the teacher to discuss it and interestingly a small group of us had stayed behind for whatever reason and listened to my story. I can’t remember who asked what questions because everyone seemed to have an opinion and say in what I related back to them about my experience. When I told them that my drowning experience was the most peaceful thing I ever felt and that I was probably about 8 or 9 years old at the time. My Facilitator, who is a medical doctor and also trained in psychiatry, asked me if there were any traumatic events in my life at the time. I replied, well I think so since I was abused as a child. To her, my feelings of drowning is equated to a surrendering of life. A passive or submissive way of suicide. Well that just floored me (and the Facilitator) because I had never, ever thought of it that way. And now, as I think about it, it’s probably not very far from the truth. I always thought my first suicide attempt was in my 20′s. Never did I think it was at such an early age. This is all very much for me to digest. Even during the Lake Meditation I felt some strong emotions come up. The Facilitator stated we will definitely need to discuss this next week.

Our homework at the end of the session was to bring in a picture we drew that symbolized our pain or illness and present it in front of the group. Not all of us need to present but we should all do it as the experiential exercise. Alternatively, we can bring in something we’ve written as well. I told my Facilitator that it’s fascinating that we just received this homework piece because I had just written about my drowning experience in a poem. I am thinking of presenting this but I am nervous. It is the first time I have shown my writing to people in a long time. With this poem, I have only shown it to my very close friends. The last time I went “public”, as in attaching my “real” name versus my online alias name, with my written work was about 17 years ago. I am still unsure but I will use this week to mull over my decision and see how I feel when the next session arises.

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